• Amy

Allowing love back into your life

Updated: Feb 23, 2020

The dust of Valentine’s Day has settled and I can see clearly now. How did you spend Valentine’s Day? I spent mine in the pits of contemplation, lol I kid. I spent it with my friends; we got all dressed up, ate food that made our hearts sing and danced until our feet couldn’t take it anymore. It was a great evening filled with laughter and conversation. 10/10 would recommend, this is really a me to me recommendation.

Around 2am when inhibitions started lowering, the conversation on the basis of our relationship made an appearance. It was mostly directed to me because my friends felt like I haven’t been a great friend. By great friend they meant that I didn’t put enough time or effort into the relationship. I almost jumped into defense mode on how I work a demanding job, I’ve been finding myself spiritually and had gone through a difficult phase in my life earlier. There was simply no time in between when I caught my breath. I didn’t say that but thought deeply about it as I was sober. (Amy 2.0 -1 , Amy 1.0 - 0)

This seems like a good time for a back story. When I started to go on this self-love journey, I came to the realization of all the ways I wasn’t serving myself as well as a lot of the hurt I had kept buried; all the times I didn’t stand up for myself, the ways the people who were supposed to love me had treated me. So of course I spiraled. I spiraled into wondering whether or not they actually cared for me. Instead of handling it like a grown up and having the conversation, I recoiled. I went into a bubble and focused on myself, built my self-reliance muscle and learned to enjoy my own company.

With today’s cancel culture, it seems like it’s the order of the day to cancel people out and call them toxic. What is toxic anyway? It seems like it is much easier to cancel people out than to have a conversation with them about how they hurt you. Or maybe that’s just my impression. This was precisely what I was doing instead of having the difficult conversations. I simply put the relationships in a box and labelled them Return to Sender.

The truth is that I had stopped trying in the friendship and sold myself the dream that my people were coming. They would get me and I wouldn’t need to have the tough conversations because they would just get it.

The saying, “if it’s important to you, you’ll make time,” kept making an appearance in my mind and I thought a lot about how I was keeping myself from relationships that genuinely made me happy. I was afraid of getting hurt. I was afraid of being vulnerable and I didn’t feel safe. By stepping back, I was protecting myself. However, self-protection out of fear keeps you in a small uninspired space because no man is an island. We cannot exist alone, relationships are the joy of our life. I mean who’s there to laugh with you through your low moments, who’s going to hype you and dance along to your favorite songs?

Which brings me to this, your self-love journey while it’s about respecting yourself, creating boundaries and making room for yourself, you do not need to close yourself off to the world. I’m coming to realize that self-love is about pouring love into myself so that I can pour into others. It’s about having and making room for relationships that fulfill you.

So if you’re like me, putting everyone at a distance because you’re afraid of getting hurt, don’t be. Easier said than done, I know but I’m vowing to do better because I learned that the magic of life is enhanced by the quality of your relationships.

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